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Thursday, October 29th, 2009
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hokay
Bryce tried to break up with me on saturday
I said NO
that kind of sucks
how do you break up with someone that you share a house with?
a dog with?
a bed with?
everythinnng? SIGH i hope we can find happiness and peace within one another soon. everything is so round-about and indirect that explosions are so much worse than they should be. I cannot fathom how he feels towards me; i have a lot of anger and resent towards him. The love that I have for Bryce is like potential energy, the kinetic energy we have right now is pretty negative. I view the relationship like a circle (think the classic depiction of the wheel of fortune) right now we are on the bottom but at some point the wheel must turn. the only place to go from here is up.
I know we need to start a fresh, a new, clean slate. However, I don't understand how WE can do that with our situation.
He was a drunken ass last night. Jack Ericcson took him home, it was really embarrassing. It would have been worse if I was out with him but alas he was at Mango's and I dislike that establishment wholeheartedly (Micheal is really nice though, and Justice, and Omar can be ass but I think hes a good guy). I got really mad at Bryce this morning and pushed him really hard while he was sleeping. He apologized for being an ass later in the afternoon. I said "its okay, wait no it isn't"
I do this a lot. I don't feel sorry very often because I truly believe that my actions had good reasoning. I try to stay logical. Why would I be sorry if I chose to do something? I made the decision in the first place, I may be sorry that it upset someone else but ultimately I wouldn't change my actions because someone else feels hurt (not entirely true, I would change depending on circumstances or how much the person was hurt).
Here is a poem:(it needs a title)
Smell of pine, crunch of needles
beneath three pronged feet, alert
ears, wind through fur and wings,
small beings under the shadows of
fibrous skyscrapers, seconds of still
turn streams into oceans, fluttering
of feet as the ditches swell.
We sleep again, resting our heads
on human concepts; supported
by cynicism, tolerance and of all the damned-
love; a notion entirely wicked
and human. Tainted
by the smell of ego
We lay ignorant to the simultaneous
world that She birthed
that She makes harmoniously
against the cacophony of our blundered morals
livid with dreams and anxieties.
We must allow Her warmth to wake us
Her chill to focus us and her presence
to humble.
Smallness is a virtue We lack-
concrete, steel, guns, behemoths
of human existence that are
owned and operated like puppets
with marionettes- lucid lines connecting
our world to Hers which she wishes
to be ours as well- awake for a moment
captivated by her greatness, her light is louder
that anything created by man. Moments
in which we slip away and sun our skin
leaves us forever changed.
Freckles upon our noses.
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(Love me not?)
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Wednesday, October 21st, 2009
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I am sitting at a desk
it is made out of fake wood
I have a shiny counter
it is made out of fake marble
I have a 16 foot waterfall behind me
it too is a fake
What does that make me in this place?
I started this new job a few weeks ago. I get paid well, but its kind of a drag. I sit by myself for most of the time. Which is okay because now I will start posting on my livejournal again. The importance of documenting my life was denied for at least a year now, documenting my life has lost its importance for at least a year now, my life has lost its importance for at least year now, importance denied my life. I have dealt with complex issues for the 12 months previous to this Wednesday; working hard within myself to better my outer self.
I believe that I am a special being that will be able to harbor something unique and brilliant in my life time. I have vast amounts of dedication that need to be directed into a clear channel. I just hate to think that I have missed my opportunity. I honestly feel "dead-end". I am stuck with a lousy GPA because St.Thomas was uninspiring (and i never went to class). Now I am at a community college with professors that try valiantly to an unrelenting class. In this case the underdog is the teacher, and I as usual root for them. Thinking about my academic future leaves a heavy cinder-block upon my chest. I'm a neophyte with ambition. Like the rest of the world eh?
Unaimed ambition is quite useless. When i get tinges of direction three minutes later they seem ludicrous. I want to publish a fiction book. I want a Ph D. I want to give it all up and move to tanzania.
My pursuit of happiness will take me to edges of human ability and thought, however I feel as if I will remain here in this stool, classically 38 inches in height, and dream of the peaks and outer limits that the ambition inside me could take me too.
I really do want to succeed in all of those things. I want it all, I want it all. I'm just not sure what my next step should be. I'm not sure if any institution of value wants a lethargic novice of a student to mold into something beautiful and powerful. What if I can't?
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(Love me not?)
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my dreams are haunting
and weirdness is about to ensue
im not sure
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(Love me not?)
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Wednesday, December 26th, 2007
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pooop.
sometimes i want to give to those who don't deserve.
so i came up with this idea in my head today:
when i look at people a lot i wonder how those supposedly "intelligent life forms" spend their entire lives with a persona of themselves in their heads. this reflection of their being is then projected, embodied, and acted upon through their life. its as though the thin line that connects body and spirit is missing. its as if they haven't explored the dark side of themselves, as if they don't even dare to think of who they really are. these people make me sad.
but
other people make me real happy. real happy. happy happy joy joy happy joy!
blitzkrieg!
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(Love me not?)
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Wednesday, October 17th, 2007
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Every atom in your body reverberates from the hollow echoes; of my smoke lays black over your brain seeping into your pores
from where the very points my mouth transcended your skin through those pores smoke explores the depths of truth: you are beautiful
you are kind
you are loving
the mantra hurts
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(Love me not?)
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Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007
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oh where did you go corduroy boy?
we haven't made love in a while
oh corduroy boy where is your catharsis?
i knew this dress would make you smile
lets get together in this fucked up mess
we can forget our responsibilities and pride
take me by your side, teach me about your body
oh corduroy boy have you ever cried for me?
i used to lie to you, i used to deny to you
how my insides were made, the parts you can't see
crumble and break; from the depths they fade
corduroy boy, your synthetic fabric is chocking my heart
oh corduroy boy how could you've let this start?
oh pile of shit
you throw me into a fit
your smell offends
like twenty dirty depends
sometimes you are runny
that is especially not funny
but in the end, pile of shit
you and i are a perfect fit
i always forget about this livejournal thing
computers suck
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octopussy and prozac nation are beautiful films
If only my life could be more like the movies. I want an angel to swoop down to me like he does to Jimmy Stewart in "It's a Wonderful Life" and talk me out of suicide. I've always waited for that one moment of truth to set me free and change my life forever. but he won't come. it doesn't happen that way.
pazam
14 days left of school
yes i am tottaly counting down
and no i am not thinking about my SAT
im going to wing it
freaking out will just make me nervous
this way i wont be dissapointed with anything above a 1200
on the new grading scale.
under that
ummm i might have a problem
till then
OCTOPUSSY TIME
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(Love me not?)
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Wednesday, April 25th, 2007
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oooh
and and and
i just calculated my current GPA
drum roll.....
3.8!
i am very happy with that :)
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well today was nice
it was my first day back to school this week
im all better- the poison is gone!
hip hip horray!
i got an extension on an essay i didnt finish
i understood chemistry things ive missed for a week
i got to see my boy
it was nice
i dont know how i feel when shes around
like this girl really hurt me
truly hurt me
i honestly thought more of our friendship
and now she comes around
i just dont want to be around her
i get bad vibes
i don't want to be mean or hurtful
but i hate being around her
i also dont like how i gave up our mutual friends
why did i do that?
its just, shes hurt me once and i won't let it happen again
i dont think shes in good character
and i can't trust her again
i will never be a friend of the month again
ugh
it bothered me
justice is going to be gone most of summer
im worried that things might change while he's away
and thats the last thing i want
sigggh
cigarette time.
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(Love me not?)
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Thursday, April 19th, 2007
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i am having a horrible week
mari- today in advocacy was fun though, kokology rules
BUT
im pretty much going to die. ever since i left school ive been puking and fevering and just being fucked up. i feel horrid
i feel like somethings wrong in my relationship-
my feel bads ache hard core.
ewwww
so gross
i hope i feel better for tomorrow.
yuck yuck yuck
i just want to cry and puke.
i only write in this thing when im down
and i feel the downest ive felt in a while
growdy
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(Love me not?)
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Wednesday, April 18th, 2007
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so today during lunch
my pupils freaked out
my left pupil got really small
like a pin prick
then my right pupil got reallly reallly big
you couldn't see my iris anymore
it was weird. felt like a mutant freak. like out of x-men.
everyone asked me if i was on drugs. i wasnt.
well the doctor wouldn't take me today
so i'm going tomorrow to see if they know whats wrong.
BUT I'M A CREEP
I'M A WEIRDO
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE?
WHY THE FUCK ARE MY PUPILS UNEVEN?
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Tuesday, April 17th, 2007
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welll
FUCK YOU
so i worked really hard
and got a 62.5
FUCK YOU
i fucking worked for 4 hours!
FUCK YOU
I'm frustrated. I want a cigarette. I'm never going to quit. Quitting is for quitters and I don't want to become one of those.
The massacre at Virginia Tech makes me teary.
I think I'm going to have to do credit appeal.
I'm so fucking over school.
I'm so fucking over these C's i keep getting.
WHAT HAPPENED?
When i work my ass off now I get fucking 62.5's
is that worth it?!
to get a 50 I wouldn't have to fucking do anything!
I just want to graduate.
I just want to sleep.
I just want to be with my boy, when he tells me it's okay I actually believe him.
YUCK
YUCK
YUCK
JUST END ALREADY!
Let me go to michigan and perform. let me spend time with the family i never get to see. let me get out of this city.
when i think about how much i'm going to miss him I feel sick at my stomach.
lets calm down.
i can pull my grades up.
i can get things straightened out with absences at school without a mess.
i can do it.
this weekend should rock hardcore.
it will.
why do all my friends end up being crazy?
i think i'm done for now.
sometimes i honestly feel friend-limited.
okay thats the last of it.
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(Love me not?)
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Sunday, January 28th, 2007
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i dont find meaningful things in life
i find things give meaning to life
whats an incomplete life?
a lie
my boy and me became eastern philosophers earlier today
im ready
it means alot to me
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(Love me not?)
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Wednesday, January 17th, 2007
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today
is a special occasion
exactly one year ago
i bought my first pipe
the memories....
then some little prep bastard stole it!
i'm still mad about that.
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(Love me not?)
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Monday, November 20th, 2006
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eeey folks
costa rica is beautiful
the weather is hot but enojyable
were staying right off the beach- from out balconey you can see the ocean
just been doing alot of relaxing
wake up then eat at this place called noguis (fuckin delicious) walk around
shop some
i like just sitting with my man
listening to him play his guitar
while we smoke packs of cigs
everythings legal for us here
party pretty calmly though
margaritas with lunch and such
much love to all
hope everyones having a good break
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(Love me not?)
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Monday, November 6th, 2006
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Sunday, October 22nd, 2006
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mmm
what a lovely weekend
just means ima feel lonely tonight
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Tuesday, October 17th, 2006
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daily updates now
Umm lunch was fun today thanks to stephen, elin, and bradley i believe. [your not the only one but your the best bradley BABA] i always sing that to him but i dont think he gets it.
i was gone durring chem and tottaly dont understand what was happening, as was geometry... oh well. i just noticed that all of the lights on my computer stuff are the exact same color of green. it reminds me of that crayola crayon that is called... green yellow i believe, because the light looks green (just as the crayon looks green) but when examined closely its kinda yellow. bllargh
i was in a very huggy mood today. and giggley... hehe
hmm so after school i went to empire and met up with that boy. he got me dharma punx, the book i lost when i was in the middle of reading it. very sweet, kudos to him. i like the way he talks... meeeh. then the lovely vogel came by and i miss that chica [mi tipo]
blaargh i dont have the id/password for turnitin.com so i can't turn my essay in!!! booo
ill figure something out
everything can always be okay
just sometimes you have to try hard
and ive learned that effort pays off
muuuuch muchh love dead livejournal
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Monday, October 16th, 2006
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it rained alot today.
too much for me to go to school.
it overtakes me it overtakes me
it master slaves meeee
bleh bleh bleh
enough for these short sentences...
I've been working on that stupid english essay all day, and I'm still not done. I'm probably going at on average 4 words per hour. Whatever! So, I haven't talked about my life in quite some time.
I guess I've been learning alot more about myself and where I want to go in the future. I've left alot of bad habits behind but I keep finding out that people I was once close too have all fallen victim to the very things I'm dilligently denying. I honestly don't understand, they were the very ones who all along have been saying how horrible it was and now they are the users? ugh it kind of makes me sick to think about it.
Alot of frienships have been simply left behind in the past year, its like all those people were a part of the old me. A year ago I think I was a very differnt person, not a bad one, just a confused one. I've learned to let that anger go and let that frustration subside. I've learned that I am the only one that can shape my life and that my ideals can only apply to my life.
I met someone, and hes real cute. I don't know whats going to happen seeing as how I've only seen him a handful of times. Nothing romantic... He's just really easy to talk to and I feel like we share this common outlook on life. I haven't met someone in a long time whose simple presence just makes me smile. I was mad cause I was supposed to see him today but the weather said differntly, tomorrow? maybe? Man, I'm such a girl...
I'm liking school a bit more. Its not wonderful but I have to stay here no matter what. The classes are alright, the workload is managable, but socially its so differnt than lamar. There are many days when I just wish I had stayed. I'm trying to make it so that school life doesn't affect my level of happiness. Its been working but recently not so well.
I'm really worried whats going to happen to some of my friends. I just don't know...
The weather is changing and I am loving it.
When it rains, I feel real good on the inside.
When its cold I feel real good in the everything/everywhere.
I have high expectations for this winter, I hope its as good as I expect.
much love to everyone
Thats another thing I have realized, I have this unconditional love for everything and everyone until that thing or person proves me wrong. I think thats why I used to get so emotional, meh.
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Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
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